Challenges test us.  There is no doubt about it. How we go about managing a crisis, however, and the meaning we give it often determines whether it feels like it’s alone or “traveling in a pack”.

Study after study suggests that it’s how we make meaning of what is happening to us that will govern how well we manage the impact of hard times.  People who are the most resilient, who manage stress the best, tend to view challenges as an unavoidable aspect of life, not a sign that the universe has it in for them.

It is the ability to make meaning, to influence how we think about or focus on a challenge, that can determine how successful we are in dealing with life’s adversities.  Often, if we are open to believing that we will grow and be strengthened by challenges, we are then able to see the wisdom that we have gained (about life, and perhaps about ourselves or others).

One of my favorite illustrations of this way of seeing the world is the Zen story of the pilgrim and the shark.  Once a devout pilgrim took a sea voyage to visit a famous temple, hoping to have one of the priests enlighten her as to the reasons for suffering in the world.

The ship was caught in a terrible storm, and all the crew and passengers except for the pilgrim were lost at sea.  After the storm passed, the pilgrim saw a distant island and began to swim to it, but tired and became convinced she would drown before she reached safety.

Wondering why she had been so harshly treated despite being so devout, she began to pray to be saved.  Suddenly the fin of a great white shark broke the water’s surface.

Terrified at the horrible prospect of being attacked by the shark, she began to swim furiously towards the island.  Several times she tired and became convinced she would drown, but each time the shark’s fin broke the water’s surface and she would once again swim determinedly for shore.

Eventually she reached the island and safety. Once on the shore, she turned to the ocean and intended to curse both the shark and her deity for treating her so maliciously.

But the pilgrim paused, and realized her prayer had been answered; she had been saved.  Reflecting further, she also realized that had it not been for the shark and the fear it caused in her, she would have drown long before she could have reached the island.

In that moment the pilgrim realized that but for the shark, a thing she had at that time deemed to be the worst thing that could possibly happen to her, she never would have survived.

Understanding this truth, the pilgrim bowed to the shark as it’s fin slowly headed back out to sea, thanking it for the gift of her life.

May we all have the wisdom to “bow to our sharks,” as they appear in our own lives.

Photo credit:  steve.garner3 via Flickr

In the best of times, things go smoothly and everyone feels that their emotional stockings were appropriately filled with the requested things from their list. Santa’s elves are all signing their carols from the same sheet of music, Santa laughs “Ho, ho, ho” and all is right with the world!

And then there are those times where the elves seem to be committed to pointy eared discord.  Scrooge, the Abominable Snowman, or a group of disgruntled elves are reeking holiday havoc.   We feel like we’re on the “island of misfit toys” and holiday anarchy reigns supreme!

What to do?  Well, as good fences make good neighbors, good boundaries and setting appropriate limits can also help make for less stressful holidays.  Here are some tips to help keep Santa’s sleigh flying straight!

(1)  Limits are my friends!

One of the greatest sources of holiday stress can be in believing that the holidays are about meeting everyone’s needs.  This can be even more stressful when other people are telling you that that’s your job!

Not so cries Hermie the elf, instead our job is to be “independent!”  Santa flies all over the world and delivers everyone’s gifts in a single night, but let’s remember that’s in his job description!

Start with figuring out what you would like your holiday to look like.  That’s not being selfish, rather it’s about giving you a frame of reference, a holiday magnetic North if you will.

By knowing what you want, it helps you make more informed choices about what feels okay, and what doesn’t.  You have an arbiter if you will; who helps you decide what is consistent with your wishes, where you have room for compromise, and maybe where you don’t.

The clearer you are on what you are trying to say “Yes” too, the easier it is to know and feel comfortable in saying “No” when that is the right answer.

(2)  The lessons of the Ghosts of Christmas Past and Future are alive and well!

In Charles Dickens’ classic “A Christmas Carol,” Ebenezer Scrooge is visited by the Ghost of Christmas Past.  The Ghost shows him how all the decisions he made, or failed to make, led him to the predicament he now faced, being lonely and alone.

The wonderful part of the story is that Scrooge discovers that he can change the arc of his life by the decisions he makes in the present moment.  The past does not dictate the future, a lesson Scrooge learns from the Ghost of Christmas Yet to Come.

We can learn the same lesson if we want to.  Holidays can be challenging because sometimes we see what hasn’t happened, who we haven’t connected with, how we weren’t the best people we could be, how in past holidays we weren’t happy with how things went.

Like Scrooge, try to learn from the past but live in the present to better change your future.  It’s never too late to be the person you want to be, or have the holiday you hoped for.

Think about what you want the joy of the holiday to mean to you, feel it, believe in yourself, and you’ll be amazed how the world around you changes as you do.

If you don’t want the holidays to look a certain way, don’t accept that it has to.  Say “Yes” when it aligns with your holiday expectations and say “No’ to those things or those people who are inconsistent with your aspirations.

And remember that “No!” is a complete sentence!

(3)  Focus on why and not what?

One of the biggest holiday traps is to get confused about activity as opposed to accomplishment.  We often get reflexive; we do what we do without a lot of thought or any consultation of our feelings.  We often ask “what” we are or should be doing; not a bad question in and of itself but it comes second to a more important question.

Why am I doing this?  In other words, is “what” I’m doing or thinking of doing in alignment with my holiday purpose.  If we do things that are tied to “why” we are celebrating the holiday in the first place, it’s amazing how clear we can get on “what” needs to happen.

Decisions about what you do, who you do it with, and how it is done often seem simpler if you keep your “why” for celebrating firmly in sight.

(4)  “Should” never belongs in the same sentence with the words “feel, want, or need!”

Santa focuses on giving us what we want while “bad elves,” on the other hand, see the holiday as exclusively about their wants and needs.

Be clear on a simple holiday truth, guilt is not a present for good girls and boys so if it’s offered, return it along with that funky sweater Uncle Waldo seems to give you every year.

You are allowed to want what you want, feel what you feel, and need what you need at all times, but especially in the holiday season.  Any time a situation, person, or memory makes you feel that you should feel, want, or need something you don’t choose for yourself, it’s time for you to check in with your holiday purpose.

Should is always about pressure and, sometimes, manipulation or coercion.  Simply put, how you feel is how you feel, and what you need or want is what you decide for yourself.  If others can’t or won’t except that, well, that’s about them and not you.

In the end, “should” is better replaced with “I’d like too” or “I’d love too!”  Remember, it’s called the season of joy for a reason; give yourself permission to be joyous!

So, I wish you peace, joy, and happiness now and in the coming year.

Oh, and tell Uncle Waldo I dig the sweater!

Photo Credit:  mary-thompson via Flickr

The stress can make it hard for us to remember that any relationship is a connection between 2 people.  As adults, we have a tremendous amount of say in what does or does not happen in any situation we are in, provided we remember that we can make choices.

So here are 5 keys to help you manage the stress of difficult relationships.

(1) Power perceived is power achieved!

As kids we had virtually no power over what happened in our world.  To navigate this reality, especially when bad things might or did happen, we learned strategies known as “defenses” or “coping mechanisms” to deal with the situation. 

These could be behaviors such as not saying what we want, how we feel, what we like or don’t like, making excuses for bad or inappropriate behavior, or denying that anything bad is happening.  These patterns of behavior tend to return when we are under stress in relationships.

In other words, we need to be aware that in stressful relationships even though we think the adult us is running the show, the kid and his old fears and way of surviving may be driving our perceptions and actions.

So, the first step is to claim your power.  As an adult, no one has power over you unless you give it too them.  You can think what you want, believe what you want, say what you want, and most likely do what you want as long as it’s legal, and no one has the power to change that!

Now I’m not advocating anarchy, hear me clearly, but I am suggesting we can give away our choice and power to people who remind us of people from our past.  Once that happens, it’s likely we’ll resort to our old defenses and get disempowered results.

But if we see people as they actually are (and not who they remind us of from our childhoods) we can summon all our adult experience to deal with the situation.  Saying to a parent “that’s inappropriate” may have had dire consequences as a kid, but it’s something we can and need to say when another adult is behaving in that manner.

(2)  Know your own “relationship story.”

Our nervous systems crave predictability because it helps us to feel safe. New and different relationships, even if positive, can feel frightening and dangerous.  As the old saying goes, “the devil you know is better than the devil you don’t know.”  These predictable choices, however, are often made outside of our conscious awareness.

So we will tend to choose relationships that are familiar because they remind us of what we know both about ourselves and others.  As an adult, we are almost always choosing the relationships we have in our life, as opposed to them choosing us. 

To help yourself to bring it into your conscious awareness what you’ve been trained to choose, review your own story of who you are in relationships.  A simple way to do this is to ask yourself these 4 questions:

          Growing up, who was I supposed to be and who taught me that?

          How was that type of person supposed to behave in relationships?

          What would happen to that person if they didn’t behave that way?

          Am I still that person, or do I even want to be that person?

The more you know your patterns, and that you are choosing to repeat them, the more you are able to say “Thanks, but no thanks.  I’ve seen this movie.”

(3)  I am responsible for my own healing, and other people are responsible for theirs.

Relationships are about connection and connections have boundaries.  Stress arises in relationships because we are doing too much or too little and the imbalance is affecting us negatively.

So each of us is, at a minimum, required to care for ourselves and be the guardians of our own wellness.  If I’m trying to change someone else they aren’t the problem; I’m the problem. 

I have to look into why I need you to be different and what I’m going to have to deal with if you’re not. 

I need to discover why I fear your response if I tell you I don’t appreciate how you treat me. 

I need to know what gets in the way of my saying “No” when I want to. 

I need to discover why, when you attack me, blame me, ridicule me, judge me, or try to control me, I can’t simply give a name to what you are doing and ask you why you are doing it.

I need to know why it’s okay for you to tell me who I am, what I can be, how I feel, what I can and cannot do, and on what stone tablet that has been etched!

Sensing a theme here?

Simply put, the more you know what is okay or not okay for you, the better able you are to spend energy on relationships that empower you, and not the ones that suck the energy from you!  In any relationship, we need to focus on the thing we can most influence and change, US!

(4)  Don’t invite the vampire in!

One of the great aspects of the old vampire legends was their recognition of human agency in the problems that arise in our lives. 

Vampires, as we all know, will suck the life out of us given the chance.  One caveat, we are totally safe at home UNLESS, OF COURSE WE INVITE THE VAMPIRE IN!

The most stressful relationships are often with “emotional vampires.”  If you feel a relationship is pulling all your energy, that you are giving too much and your partner is giving too little, that imbalance may be a sign that you’ve invited the vampire in!

If so, distance, either physical or emotional, may be in order.  The time to decide what you will share or not share with a vampire, however, is best determined before they are knocking at your door. 

Do an emotional and energetic inventory of any stressful relationship you are in and if you feel the pull of imbalance, set limits, draw lines, and close the energetic door on the vampire before they get in your kitchen!

(5)  The line is drawn at abuse!!!

Abusive relationships aren’t about connection; they are about predator and prey!  No matter what you think, hope for or feel, an abuser needs to dealt with simply and quickly by GETTING THEM GONE!

Nothing justifies anyone engaging in physical, emotional, or psychological abuse ever.  If a person with these issues wants to change, they will go and get qualified professional help, but it’s not your job to love them to wellness.

The greatest drain of energy can often be found in those who try to save abusers.  Abusers only want to act out their pain or need to control on others, and unless they want to change, nothing can or will change them.

Enough said.

The road to a healthy relationship with others ultimately rests on our focusing on the most important relationship we will ever have, the one we have with ourselves. 

I invite you to explore that relationship and wish you all the best on that journey.

To protect and guide his son, Odysseus asked a close friend and warrior companion to assume those obligations.  The charge he gave to this guardian was simple but profound; “I entrust my family to you and charge you to keep all safe until my return.”

The warrior’s name was “Mentor.”

As the legend suggests the obligation to mentor the young and the responsibilities that role entails are weighty indeed.  The failure of those qualified to assume them, however, ultimately leads to a youth that lack guidance and protection (and a kingdom that lacks leaders who will lead it properly). 

Much as Mentor guided Telemachus, we are obliged to guide those in need of our experience and wisdom.  We also must recognize our own need for mentoring at different stages of our life.  To mentor well, or to find “good” mentoring, we need to know what it is based upon and how to know it when we see it.  Here are 3 principles to help you be a better mentor, or to know a true mentor when you see one.

 (1)  Wisdom is an earned commodity.

 In Homer’s Odyssey,Mentor was characterized as a seasoned warrior.  He knew what he was talking about because he had lived it.  His function was not only to teach a skill or skills, but also to impart wisdom and share knowledge to someone less experienced.

 Wisdom is not simply information or knowledge but rather, the ability to apply that information and knowledge in a successful manner.  Wisdom focuses on results and consequences.  Wisdom understands the limits of any theory and the danger presented by fame and hubris.

Wisdom is earned, and it often is earned at the cost of a few scars.  Mentors share their scars in the hope their charges will learn from their hard won understanding.

True mentors don’t need you to be impressed, they know who and what they are and that’s enough. 

As one of my Drill Sergeants shared when he was training us to survive in combat, “Gentlemen, you might want to pay attention to what I’m telling you because I didn’t get here ‘cause I’m pretty, and I sure didn’t live this long by being stupid!”

(2)  In a 2 dimensional world, mentoring is a 3 dimensional job!

We love our screens: TV screens, computer screens, iPhone screens, cell phone screens.  The problem with screens teaching us things about life, however, is that life is 3 dimensional experience and screens only give us a 2 dimensional focus. 

Screens give us height and width, but no depth! 

Mentoring is about the depth.  Mentoring is ultimately an invitation to develop a direct relationship that has a unique depth to it.  Depth is created by when the mentor and the mentee commit themselves to a relationship based upon honesty, sincerity, compassion and, most importantly, humility.

We now know that we all possess what are called “mirror neurons.”  Mirror neurons fire sympathetically when we are in connection with another person.  They allow our nervous system to literally experience a mirror image of another person’s experience, as though the observer was acting in that way themselves.

Good mentors model the behaviors other seek to learn.  They “walk the walk,” so the 2 dimensional skill of “talking the talk” that some segments of our culture pay so much attention to, is rendered mostly irrelevant.  Mentors teach us that men and women of integrity don’t need to make promises because their life is based on a simple premise; they do what they say they will do.

But to teach this type of integrity, the mentor must be willing to be present in all of his or her humanity, and let go of any need to be a two dimensional cut out of Superman or Superwoman.  Mentors don’t tell you how to know what they know; instead they help lead you to find your own answers. 

Mentoring is ultimately about sharing your life story with another in a way that serves their growth, not your ego.  It’s neat to be the smartest person in the room, but true greatness lies in helping others to be better than you have been capable of being.

Mentor was a servant to the King and the Kingdom, and mentors are ultimately our culture’s samurai, which means in Japanese, “one who serves.”

 (3)  The kingdom’s future will rise or fall based on the quality of its mentors.

Mentor’s duties affected not only the life of the future king, Telemachus, but the abiding welfare of the kingdom.  As go the young, so goes the kingdom. 

Mentoring is a duty we owe to both our young and ourselves.  Those of us who have survived life’s hard challenges and difficult times possess critical and hard won wisdom.  It needs to be shared.

In a time where the idea of shared sacrifice and shared responsibility are passé in the eyes of some, and an impediment to personal success in the eyes of others, the need for positive, compassionate mentorship is even more desperately needed.

In a time where many espouse a belief in “every man for himself,” it’s important to remember there is another way, a more honorable way, a better way.

There is the way of Mentor, who gave his word to his warrior companion that until the King’s return,Mentor would ensure that “all will be kept safe.”

To ensure our society grows, improves, and becomes a better and more just place for those who follow in our footsteps, we must all be willing to be Mentor . . .

. . . To keep all safe. . .

. . . Until the King’s return!

Photo credit:  Nick in exsilio via Flickr

The men I work with are often confronting the questions that arise on this journey.

What does it mean to be a good man?

To be a good husband or partner?

How do I live my life as a man of courage and honor?

How do I model for my son, my daughter, and the sons and daughters of others what it is to be a man of grounded power and true strength?

As men come to grips with these questions, they often confront the paradox that is American culture.  Much of what our society emphasizes as a measure of masculine success is primarily individual achievement.  But sometimes individual success can bear little relationship to a sense of true purpose in life

Many men climb the ladder of success and, in the end, can’t help feeling that something is missing.  Having achieved recognition for what they have done individually, they sometimes feel an empty place.  They have a sense that although they have personally succeeded in their career, issues exist in their relationship with their children, their partners, and their role in their communities that leave them feeling unsettled.

As so often is the case, the past can often provide insight into what is needed in the present.  One of the unique insights ancient warrior cultures possessed, was that individual accomplishment by a warrior meant nothing if it didn’t serve to better the lot of the community at large.

What is not often understood in our culture is that the code of the warrior was about service to others.  The Japanese word “samurai”, in fact, does not mean warrior but, rather, “one who serves.”

A principle that guided men in these warrior communities was that it was in the service of the greater good and not individual glory, that a man could find true satisfaction and peace.

Known as the warrior’s “transpersonal commitment,” this was the recognition that we all must be committed to something greater than ourselves.  A warrior’s code of honor was based on the recognition that service to others, the family, the clan, or the community he came from, was ultimately what gave his life and his sacrifice meaning.

In studies of men, this understanding of the role men play in serving the community and those who it is our charge to protect, most importantly the young and the helpless, is known as “generativity.”  It begins to appear as we reach our 40’s, 50’s and 60’s.

Simply put, as we mature as men we often begin to recognize how important it is that we, in some way, try to make things better for those who will “follow on behind us.”  It can come as a desire to embark on greater community service, re-evaluating the arc of our career, or a greater focus on nurturing our children.

In the end, one of the things that can give us the greatest sense of purpose as men, is when we take that step and realize that it is every bit as important to do “good,” in addition to doing “well.”

Ultimately, as we evolve as mature men, we come to realize that there are things in life that are worth defending.  One of my favorite examples of this is found in the old 60’s western television series “The Rifleman.”

Set in the 1880’s in the fictional town of North Fork, New Mexico, it tells the story of a widowed rancher, Lucas McCain and the young son he raises, Mark.  Lucas is a renown expert with his specially modified rifle, but he ultimately wishes to simply live his life and raise his son in peace.

Unfortunately, he is often called upon to battle those who would threaten community.  The series was essentially a morality tale but it emphasized a truth I believe all of us as men know.  Our communities, our families, and our society are best served when we commit ourselves to improving and protecting them.

Much as our warrior forefathers did, our sense of ourselves as men of true strength and power can only come when we serve others as well as ourselves.  One of the roles we as men can and must play, is to be both guardians and nurturers.

So when I work with men who have that feeling of something missing, we often find together that he’s just looking for his North Fork. . . and when he finds it, he knows where he belongs, and he knows what’s worth defending.

Good luck in finding your North Fork and when you do, defend it well.

Photo credit:  padams via Flickr

When we feel a level of stress that seems unmanageable, we will sometimes use substances to literally change our body’s chemistry, and give us the feelings of either “just enough” (speed up) or “not too much” (slow down) that we are so desperately seeking. 

People’s substance or habit of choice is usually about one or the other; either not feeling too much or being able to feel something that finally feels like it’s “enough.”  

Here is the problem.  The effect of the substance or habit always wears off with time.  More importantly, as we become used to the stimulus we rely upon (habituation); our body often needs more and more of whatever “it” is to get the same feeling. 

If we manage stress by working too much, we will probably need to work more and more to feel okay.  If our life feels out of control, and we eat the wrong things to get that feeling of control back, we will most likely need to eat more and more to get the same feeling again and again.

But there is  always one continuous obstacle to trying to get the same feeling day in and day out on a predictable basis: LIFE! 

Life is a never ending source of different, and sometimes challenging, experiences.

Life is always moving forward whether we want it to or not; and it isn’t taking any prisoners!  So we have to move forward with our lives, whether we want to or not.  No matter how frightening or challenging it may feel, life is always going to give us a steady diet of change, both good and bad. 

Both types of change will feel uncomfortable at times, and we’ll try to hang onto what we want (the things we define as good) and avoid the things we don’t (the things we define as bad).  The truth is, however, that both good and bad will spend time in our living room, either invited or uninvited.

So how do we deal with that most challenging type of life change that we call “adversity?”  

When the harsh winds of life buffet us, the best strategy is often to “lean into them.”  Here are 4 principles that will help you hold your ground in the face of life’s challenging winds.

(1)  It’s supposed to be challenging.

            Sometimes it’s not adversity’s winds, it’s the way that we look at life that knocks us off of our pins.  Our nervous systems crave reward and fear punishment.  If we view adversity as punishment, however, we’ll fear it and resist it rather than learn from it. 

The simple fact is that “the rain falls on the just and unjust alike” as the New Testament put it.  Bad things happen to good people and sometimes, paradoxically, really good things come the way of very bad people. 

What if that’s just the way of things?

Once we stop trying to control the outside world, we can focus on the one area we do have some ability to control; the meaning we give things that appear in our lives.

If our belief system is that life is challenging because it’s supposed to be that way, then good times aren’t a reward and bad times aren’t payback. 

What if the truth is there is no punishment, there are no enemies, there are only teachers giving us different opportunities to see, to change, and to grow?

Approaching adversity in this way is not about giving in or giving up; it’s simply about focusing on what you can influence (yourself and the actions you take) and accepting what you can’t (things or other people that are outside of your control).

As the author Jack London once wrote, “Life is not always a matter of holding good cards, but sometimes playing a poor hand well.” 

(2)  Work from the inside out, not from the outside in.

The only thing that will always be the same about “your” challenging times is “”you.”  You’re in them, and you will choose how or if you deal with them.

The unfortunate reality is, if you don’t deal with your problems on your timeline, they will deal with you on theirs’.  Given this reality, isn’t it best to focus on yourself and what you can and need to do, and not what is outside of you?

If you find yourself in a job, life, or relationship crisis that seems or feels very familiar, what if the most unhelpful question you can ask yourself is “Why aren’t/ can’t they/it be different or the way I want/need them to be?” 

What if the question that will help you find an answer that promotes change requires you to look into yourself and ask, “How is it that I find myself in this same situation again?”

“What am I not seeing that leads me to the same type of place over and over?”

The quality of the questions we ask ourselves dictates the quality of the answers we will find.  If our questions are based on a belief that the power over our lives is all “out there,” change is unlikely, if not impossible.

As Sri Nisargadeth Maharaj put it, “You cannot transcend what you do not know.  To go beyond yourself, you must know yourself.”

(3)  Let pain be an ally.

We are wired to avoid pain and pursue pleasure.  It’s a great system, with one critical flaw. 

Our bodies let us know by our feelings and emotions that we are being hurt or injured.  Our brains, on the other hand, are experts at overriding these important signals and short circuiting them through what are known as “defenses.”

In short, our brains can create very effective strategies to get us to ignore the information that we need to receive from our feelings.

This hit list of strategies includes thoughts such as: “I’m being overly emotional,” “I’m not tough enough,” “It’s all my fault,” “I’m being silly,” “I’m too sensitive,” “It didn’t happen,”  “They didn’t mean it,” “I’m not afraid,” I’m not angry,” and, my personal favorite, “I don’t mind, it doesn’t bother me.”

Sound familiar?

Simply put, if something is hurting you, it’s supposed to and you need to do something about it!  Adversity that results in pain can be a key signal that we need to adjust how we think about and see things in our life; whom we should let or keep in our lives, and how we should make decisions about what to do next.

Remember that, as Benjamin Franklin said, “Those things that hurt, instruct.”

(4) Retreat is going to a better place to fight.

I learned as a soldier that bringing an ego to a fight is usually a bad idea.  When adversity presents itself,  there is a time to lean into its winds and let them flow around you.  If adversity’s winds are at tornado strength, however,  trying to hold your ground to “prove something” is an ill advised strategy.

Don’t let your ego dictate your actions.  As I have been taught in the martial arts, there is nothing cowardly about retreating, it’s just going to a better place to fight.

In challenging times, conserve your mental and emotional energy.  Monitor your limits.  Don’t be afraid to acknowledge when things feel like too much and you need help.

We often need to step back from our problems to see them clearly.  Rest when you need to.  If it feels like too much, get an ally. 

Someone you trust who is not entangled in the same challenge can provide needed perspective, on both you and your problem.  Distance from a problem gives us room, and the more space you have the more options you have, and the more strategies you can employ.

Above all, remember that it’s the fact that you respond to a challenge that is important.  Each time we respond, we learn about ourselves, what works well for us, and what doesn’t.  All of this knowledge is incredibly valuable, both for handling the present crisis and for dealing with the next one that will inevitably come in the future. 

The Japanese samurai drew a sharp distinction between plans and preparation.  Plans were valuable, but it was a bad idea to get too attached to them because life was so unpredictable.  Preparation, on the other hand, was always important even if the future you planned for never came.

Preparation always promotes an awareness of self and the world as it is, not as we wish it to be.  Self awareness always enhances strength and resilience.  As the samurai put it, “It is the journey that makes the warrior.”

Good luck on your journeys through challenging times.

Photo Credit:  Dave Goodman via Flickr

The harm may have been caused years; maybe even decades ago, but it can still feel raw to the touch.  It may involve someone we loved and trusted; maybe even someone who is still in our life.

Do we forgive or not forgive? 

Do we let go or hang on? 

How do we know what to do?

Here are 5 things to consider as you confront this most challenging of human dilemmas.

(1)  Forgiveness is a process.

Forgiveness is the process of changing our attitude and emotions towards a wrongdoer.  It means, quite simply, someone has wronged us in a way that would seemingly justify us retaliating in some way against them, and we make the conscious choice not to do so. 

As the victim, although we always need to recognize we deserved better treatment from the victimizer, this process shifts our focus and we are driven by the intentional, voluntary desire to forgive. 

The dictionary definition, however, sets forth the scope of what forgiveness entails. It means that we “grant free pardon and give up all claim on account of an offense or debt.”  Translation, forgiveness is a really, really big deal and it takes time to happen. 

If someone hurts us, we’re supposed to have a negative reaction.  The more intimate the relationship and/or the more serious the harm, the longer it can or will take for the process to work itself through.  Be patient with your process.

Sometimes we hang on to an old hurt because we need to learn something for ourselves about what happened and why.  The lack of forgiveness is how we stay connected to what we need to learn about that person or what they did, to make sure we avoid it in the future.

Sometimes even when we forgive, however, we may need to end a relationship because the person’s unacceptable conduct continues.  I can forgive you for saying and doing mean spirited things, and have compassion for whatever happened to you to make you behave that way, but I don’t have to allow you to mistreat me. 

Forgiveness never involves continuing to allow ourselves to be mistreated. 

Forgiveness also doesn’t mean we don’t hold people accountable for their misbehavior and bad acts.  It does mean that we find a way to let go of the “need” to see them punished or that they suffer.

(2)  Forgiveness is ultimately about you.

No one has the right to try make you forgive anyone else.  It’s your gift to give or not; the thing to remember is it’s also most often a gift you are giving to yourself as well as the other person.

Staying resentful at someone who has harmed you to punish them is much like eating poison and expecting the other person to die.  Studies indicate that unforgiving people tend to have greater levels of health and emotional problems than those that choose to forgive. 

A University of Wisconsin – Madison study found that people who are unforgiving tend to be more neurotic, angry and hostile than those who do forgive. Hanging on to resentment, however justified we may feel, ultimately physically and emotionally damages us. 

Forgiveness is also often the step needed to let go of someone from your past whose bad acts, in some way, still hold you prisoner.  Letting go of needing them to be different; or to “get what they did to you,” or to atone for what they did, can be the act that finally allows you to be free of them once and for all.

Until we let go of trying to get an irresponsible person to behave responsibly, we’re often letting them “rent space in our head for free.”

(3)  Forgiveness is only for the strong.

Unfortunately, our culture often confuses dignified restraint with weakness.  Pop culture, especially, seems to venerate those people who constantly lash out at anyone for any slight, real or imagined. 

The truth is, however, that mercy and compassion are virtues of only the strong.  As Mahatma Gandhi so eloquently put it “. . . The weak can never forgive.  Forgiveness is an attribute of the strong.”

Any creature knows how to lash out when it’s injured; what truly makes us human is our ability to control our impulsive reactions and be “our best selves,” especially when that’s most challenging.

A study in the United Kingdom, in fact, found that when we are forgiving the frontal lobe of our brain, the most evolved area where reasoning, complex thought and problem solving takes place, literally comes “on line” and “lights up.”

In many ways, choosing to forgive gives us back the power that was taken from us by those who harmed us.  Simply put, no one can make me forgive you for the wrong you did me; but me and me alone can choose to do it.

My choice, that choice to forgive you, is testament to my strength, and the fact that what you did to me holds power over me no more!

(4)  Forgiveness is a world view.

To an extent, our ability to forgive may be based on our view of human nature.  A study at the University of Pennsylvania found that when people have the belief that a person’s character is fixed (people are either good or bad and they stay that way) forgiveness seldom happens.

On the other hand, when someone’s core belief is that people can change if they want to, forgiveness happens and trust in someone who hurt you can be re-established.

So if you’re finding it hard to forgive, you may need to inventory your core beliefs about people and the world.  We tend to see our world in ways that support our already existing world views.

(5)  Forgiveness is never required.

Because forgiveness is a process that belongs to you, it is also a choice that you alone can make.  No one can compel you to forgive another.

Sometimes our very safety can be compromised if we forgive without consideration; the classic example is the person with an abusive spouse who forgives and returns to the home after a promise of “It won’t happen again”. 

In some cases, you may feel that what has been done is so abhorrent you simply can’t let it go and although you will not seek retribution, you choose not to forgive.

In cases where behavior affecting your physical and/or emotional well being is involved, a distinction needs to be made between, as the Bible puts it, “the sin and the sinner.”  Unsafe behavior that remains unchanged is still dangerous, and forgiveness of the “sinner” never means turning a blind eye to that danger.

Forgiveness always brings us to a cross road.  It puts us right up against the paradox of life; that it is our freedom to choose how to react, and not our physical, financial, or social strength that makes us truly powerful.

The process of forgiveness is the power to decide who you will be, regardless of what was done to you.  It is in those moments of choice that we can become more than we ever thought we were capable of.

So choose well.

Photo credit:  knowhimonline via Flickr

On the other hand, how many of us are experts at “making ourselves miserable?”  How often do we convict ourselves of the crime of being “our own worst enemy” when it comes to achieving those things that bring us joy?

Recent studies have shown that the truth about happiness lies somewhere in the middle; that we ultimately have to create happiness in our lives rather than simply find it.  Both the inside and the outside matter but, in the end, it’s what we believe about happiness that ultimately determines the level of joy and contentment we feel from day to day.

Happiness is as much a process and a set of beliefs inside of us, as it is “stuff” outside of us.

These are 4 principles that can help you in your journey to find the happiness that is all around you, and that lies within you as well.

(1)  When you have what you need, more of it won’t necessarily make you happier.

We all have certain basic needs for food, shelter and safety.  We have to meet these needs first before anything else that is meaningful can take place.  Once that happens, however, more stuff doesn’t necessarily mean more happiness.

Studies have shown that we humans don’t agree about the type of objective things that can be measured, like wealth, possessions, life expectancy, or social status, that will make us all happy. These things vary from person to person, culture to culture, and country to country. This is called the absence of an “objective measure for well being.” 

The simple truth is that science can’t point to any specific thing or things and say for sure that if you have this or that, happiness is right around the corner.  In fact, studies have shown that prosperous nations or individuals who become richer see very little increase in their levels of happiness.

It may be that because we are social beings, when we focus only on what we have to try to make ourselves happy, we all of a sudden notice that there are others around us who have more or better stuff.  The problem is “keeping up with the Jones” is never ending; someone somewhere will always have more than we do. 

As human beings, we also adapt to physical affluence.  Once we have something we tend to grow bored and want something different, bigger, and better.  Given that we live in a society where advertisers are paid millions of dollars to convince us we just can’t live without the newest, most updated “techno – gizmo” trying to purchase happiness can be expensive and endless.

So if you’re chasing more “stuff” in the hope that getting it will make you happy, you may be running east looking for a sunset.

(2)  Happiness happens from the inside out.

What we have learned, however, is that happiness always involves a sense of “subjective well being.”  Once our survival needs are met, it is how we feel about the quality of our life (is it meaningful, satisfying, purposeful, does it reflect our true values and beliefs) that plays a pivotal role in how much joy we feel in living day to day.

Studies show that the happiest people make it a point to connect with other people in a positive way (extroversion), believe that they have value simply because of who they are and not what they have (self esteem), and focus on trying to design their life so it matches their values and beliefs ( a sense of control).

Happiness is an approach, a mind set, a world view.  It’s the ability to see both what is good, and what is bad.  Happy people can control and shift their focus. 

They ask themselves questions that create opportunity and not limitations.  They wonder about what can happen, as opposed to focusing on what others say can’t.

In this way, happiness often comes down to what we chose to focus on.

(3)  Happy people have a tribe.

Simply put, studies show that positive social relationships are perhaps the greatest cause of happiness.  We are social creatures and it’s hard to be happy when you have to face hard times on your own.

SO DON’T!

As long as family relations are positive, make it a point to make that community a priority.  Family was meant for more than the holidays. It won’t happen by itself, you have to make it happen, so get going.

Make it a point to stay in touch with friends as well as family.  Join an organization that does charitable work that speaks to your values.  Find ways to contribute to your community.

Consider joining a faith or spiritual community that shares your values.  We are happiest when we feel understood and accepted and that often happens in a “tribe” that is committed to the betterment of its members and society at large.

(4)  Happy people work at it.

Happiness requires the ability to observe our reactions and be tolerant of our sometimes unhelpful nervous system.  We sometimes have Stone Age reactions to modern day issues because of how our ancestors had to adapt to life in their world.

Known as evolutionary psychology, this involves the study of how we presently interpret what’s happening in our world in seemingly illogical ways makes sense given how harsh life was for our ancestors.

Truth be told, there wasn’t a lot of happiness in Grandpa Caveman’s neighborhood.  Prehistoric man’s world was all about survival. 

Rule # 1 was “Don’t get eaten!” (Fear what is new). 

Rule #2 was “Make as many copies of yourself FAST!” (Reproduce).

Finally, Rule # 3 was “Get as much stuff as you can so you have extra when there is none to be found!” (Scarcity).

We carry this type of apprehension and fear in our nervous systems as part of our genetic inheritance, but you can see how this might make being happy a challenge.

So to deal with this, happy people develop strategies so they are able to get comfortable with being uncomfortable.  They accept that they may have feelings of fear about knew or different things. 

They learn to watch the fear as an experience, like a wave that comes and goes, but not attach to it and have it take them for a ride.  Happy people learn to disentangle from this fear and then take action, which often leads to better results.

Finally, happy people measure what they are considering or are doing in the light of their own values and beliefs.  Happiness often resides in knowing who you are, what you believe, and behaving accordingly.

Congruence, when our inside feelings and our outside actions are in sync, plays a huge role in creating a life where we feel at peace.  In the end, harmony and tranquility can most often be found in those of us who are living our lives with integrity.

When we live up to our highest standards, we give our life meaning.  And when what we do and say reflects who we are at our best, happiness is usually not too hard to find. 

Photo credit:  Roland Urbanek via Flckr 

Life’s lessons can be learned in many different environments.  As a former member of the U.S. Army’s elite counter terrorism unit, known as the “Delta” force, LTC Peter Blaber learned these lessons where the margin for error was virtually non-existent, and the cost of failure was often deadly.

LTC Blaber’s book, “The Mission, the Men, and Me:  Lessons from a Delta Force Commander,“ is a fascinating read and one I highly recommend to everyone.  Rather than a tale of simply what the life of a Delta operator is like, Blaber shares the wisdom he gained in meeting the challenges of operating in unconventional and often harsh environments. 

His hard won knowledge is helpful to all of us trying to meet life’s challenges effectively.  Some of the key points he shares are:

1. It is the way we think, the way we make decisions, and the way we put those decisions into action that is of greatest importance.
2. Before making any critical decision, make sure that you have context.
3. Context is the reality of the situation around us.  Without context our minds have a tendency tot take short cuts and recognize patterns that aren’t really there.
4. Context is about all the essential pieces or dots of information that put what we think we are seeing in its proper perspective.  Before you “connect the dots, you have to collect the dots.”
5. Once we collect the dots, we need to allow our common sense, which is our understanding and knowledge of life’s conscious and unconscious patterns, to interpret what we are seeing.
6. Every mistake is an opportunity to ensure we never make it again, especially if the future consequences can be dire.

LTC Blaber’s book provides a fascinating insight into the strategies that can be employed to help make sound decisions in pressure packed situations.  These strategies, however, can be applied in all sorts of situations, not just combat.

Hope you enjoy the read.

Photo credit:  Isafmedia via Flckr

It seems like challenge and difficulty can be found around every corner these days, especially when we believe that “hard times” are all that there is that awaits us.  We struggle, we worry, we get angry, and we feel like it’s certainly not “us” that has the power to shape our life; it’s always some nameless, faceless “it” or “them!”

Sadly, this belief system guarantees only one thing; more of the same!  The truth is that although events in the world that are outside of our control do exist, how we respond to them is entirely within our control. 

Interestingly enough, it is from the warrior traditions of other cultures that we can often find insight into the seeming paradox of living with a sense of tranquility and gratitude in the midst of turmoil.  The Japanese Samurai warriors, for example, although confronted with the ever present threat of conflict, were known for their impeccable courtesy to others, even their enemies.

These warrior cultures often developed an exquisite appreciation for the beauty and tranquility found in everyday life despite, or perhaps as a result of, their having to manage conflict, fear, and sometimes the chaos of battle.

It is possible for us to also find “center” in our chaotic lives as did these warriors; to promote harmony in ourselves and in the world around us.  We too can develop an abiding sense of gratitude for all that we have, even as we struggle with our feelings about what we don’t have.

These are 6 steps that I have learned from my study of warrior cultures to promote harmony and develop and “attitude of gratitude.”

(1)  Harmony begins on the inside.

Harmony is about a feeling of congruence.  It most often arises in conditions of tranquility and agreement.  It makes its’ presence known through behaviors such as courtesy, appreciation, tolerance and patience.

The problem is, if you’re not being courteous, patient, appreciative and tolerant of yourself, you most likely won’t be able to give these gifts to others.  To paraphrase the New Testament, “What you do unto yourself, you will do unto others.”

Harmony begins with self care.  Let go of trying to always be “perfect” or “getting it all done.”  Take opportunities just to enjoy small things; the quiet time in the evening before bed, the aroma and warmth of a steaming cup of coffee, an orange colored brilliant sunset, how the fresh the wind can smell at midday, how beautiful the morning sky is.

The simple act of breathing in a relaxed, deep way calms your nervous system, relaxes you, and reduces stress. 

The less stress in you, the less stress you’ll create in your world.

(2) Harmony relies on establishing personal rituals.

Harmony is a habit, as is disharmony.  They both rely on rituals to exist. 

The Samurai lived in a society where courtesy to others was always required no matter the conditions.  There was a formal and accepted way of standing, walking, serving tea, and bowing that all Samurai understood betokened respect.

Develop rituals of politeness.  Extend courtesy to all but, most importantly, be courteous to the people who most often don’t receive it. 

What type of impact for good do you think you can have when you say “thank you” to the cashier who seldom, if ever, hears it from his or her customers? 

How have you effected his or her day, or perhaps his or her life, just by acknowledging their personhood?  And what did this simple act of kindness require of you?

Even when you are in conflict with another, strive to recognize the human dignity in your opponent and honor it as best you can. 

In the life and death encounters that encompass the world of all warriors, the Samurai, nonetheless, chose to see their opponents as being much like themselves; motivated by honorable intentions and, therefore, worthy of respect. 

Showing courtesy to all, even those we compete or are in conflict with, allows us to not only be in harmony with these challenging aspects of dealing with others, but to also never lose sight of the elemental connection we share with all people, even those with whom we may have legitimate differences. 

When those who disagree with us are willing to openly stand up and confront us in the service of their beliefs, they also recognize and acknowledge our integrity and willingness to do the same for what we believe in. 

In doing so, they demonstrate the simple truth of the Chinese adage that, “The courage of your enemy does you honor.”

(3)  Harmony compels us to find or create a sanctuary.

We all need a place where we can simply let down our guard.  That “place” can be a house of worship, a park, another person, or a room in our home.

To find sanctuary means to find a place where we feel absolutely and totally safe.  Find such a place, or make one. 

When you know what true safety feels like, you understand what harmony is, and when you feel it, you can move towards it, and away from disharmony.

(4) Look inside to find gratitude.

Warriors are grateful for each new day; for each new breath.  When life has the finality that only combat can provide, each sunrise is precious, each sunset seen with open eyes is a gift. 

Life is precious, because it is a fragile gift, and it is the most important gift we, as humans, all share.

There is a Japanese Zen tradition that is known as “Naikan,” which means to “look inside.”

 As daily exercise as yourself 3 questions:

(1)    What did I receive?

(2)     What did I give?

(3)     What troubles or difficulties did I cause the giver?

So, as you get up each morning angry about the job you hate, I invite you to ask yourself who kept your house warm as you slept? 

As you shave or shower, who made sure that clean hot or cold water was there for your unlimited use? 

Who patrolled your street that night and kept you safe from fire or crime?

Who guarded our nation’s borders and kept you safe while you slept? 

Who paved the roads you ride on? 

Who kept them clean? 

Who worked all night to make sure you had electricity to have the TV, coffee maker, stove, computer on when you woke up?

Now what have you done to thank them for what they have done for you, just so you can have the day you are beginning? 

How did you make their job easier?

And given that all this that was done for you just so you could start your day, explain to me again why you don’t have anything to be grateful for, or why you “don’t owe anybody anything?”

If you can’t be grateful for all this, then my guess is you’re just not paying attention to all the wonderful things that are just part of our everyday lives.  If you’ve ever been cold, or hungry, or unsafe, however, you probably don’t take these things for granted.

Remember that gratitude is the bedrock of a virtuous life.  Being thankful for what has been given to us makes it easier for us to give to others.

As the Roman philosopher Cicero said, “Gratitude is not only the greatest of virtues, but the parent of all others.”

(5)  Share your gratitude with others.

Joy is infectious, and gratitude is as well.  If you want to feel and share gratitude, let yourself be in the presence of those who feel grateful.  Feel theirs’ and give them yours as well.

To live in gratitude we all need to be messengers, we need to give others the gift of what you feel truly thankful for. 

As William Arthur Ward said, “Feeling gratitude and not passing it on is like wrapping a present and not giving it.”

(6)  Believe!!!!!

Anais Nin said “We don’t see the world as it is, we see the world as we are.”  Harmony is not a place you get to, it’s a world you create.  Gratitude is created not by looking at what’s outside of you, but what is inside of you.

If you want your world to change, be that change.  Hope, strive, achieve, fail, but most importantly, believe you can make “your” world and “the” world better by giving it all you have.

And at the end of the day, recognize you and everyone else you meet on your journey through life is a miracle; there is only and will ever be only one of you.  That’s a miracle! 

And if nothing else, we need to be grateful for miracles.

Hang in there and, as always, keep the faith that you can make your life better!

 Photo Credit:  ForestMind via Flickr